FriendZone Emancipation

Hello Funklovers,

Today is Valentine's Day, and everyone is talking about whether or not it's a good thing. There are two popular schools of thought:

- It's an overdone, commercial day, and recognizing it is actually an insult to your loved one.

- It's an overdone, commercial day, and I don't care - you better get me something.

However, for those of you out there who celebrate the day with your "boo" and enjoy having this special time to show affection - that's awesome. This blog is not for you. No, this one is for those of you who have suffered or are suffering from spending time in the FriendZone - the situation when you want to take your relationship to the romantic level, but she/he doesn't reciprocate that feeling.

Let's go back in time . . .


2011

2004

1995

1983


Welcome to 1983! Some of you may not have been born yet. But others of you, remember that new Michael Jackson album "Thriller"? I LOVE "Billie Jean" and did you see him do the Moonwalk? Awesome. Hey remember the dance last week and the DJ snuck in Prince's "International Lover"? The teachers were like "Who is this singing?" LOL. Hey, is Mr. Roboto really a robot or is it just Dennis DeYoung disguised as one? Both? Whatever. Can't wait to get home and play Super Breakout on my Atari 5200. Dude, you can PAUSE the game! It's crazy! And if I finish my homework early and watch Dukes of Hazzard, my parents are taking the block off of cable and letting us watch HBO too. No, not Eddie Murphy's Delirious - some documentary, but I'm going to try to and set the BetaMax to tape it when they go to sleep!

Hey, what are the girls talking about over there?

Girl 1: "We were just talking about marriage."

Guy 1: "Yeah, what about it."

Girl 2: "If we had to marry someone in this class, who we would marry."

Funkyboy: "And? . . ."

Girl 1: "Well if I had to date someone - Marcus. If I had to marry someone - David."

Girl 2: "Yeah, dating - Marcus. Marriage - David."

Girl 3: "I would marry David."

Girl 4: "I would date Marcus, marry David."

Girl 5: "If I HAD to marry someone in this class, then David."

ALL GIRLS: "But we don't want to date you now."


1983

1995

2004

2012


. . . AND we're back. OK, that was frightening in its reality wasn't it? I took you back to there to show you the day I learned not just what those girls thought about me, but how they thought about guys in general. Why was I the guy they would marry? Because I was not the "bad" boy. Because I did well in school. Because I was the . . . FRIEND. You see, girls are smart - they know who would be good for them - but they also know they want more. They want excitement, and I . . . was . . . not . . . exciting.

:-(

Yeah, I played piano. Yeah, I collected comic books and talked about Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah, I was 7th Grade Class President (traitors!). Yeah, I did well in school. Yeah, I went to church. Your basic nerd.

And yes, I had VERY little experience dating girls. But how was I going to get experience if they all had their minds made up that after they were done dating every guy on earth, they would "settle" down with me? Without going back in time, here are some highlight quotes from girls I had feelings for in my life:

1984 - "David, I think we should just stay friends."

1988 - "I'm not interested. We can go out as friends."

1990 - "I don't like you like that. You're such a good friend to me."

1992 - "We'll see what happens. I just don't want to mess up our friendship. "


You see, I had a bizarre theory as a young man that if I was friends with a girl first, love might blossom. But to no avail, I never had a short or long-term romantic relationship with anyone. Always in the FriendZone, I began to realize the silver lining of my status:

- I was single - I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without thinking of someone else.
- I had no STD's.
- I got to know how women think and feel in a way most men never get to.
- Maybe I was being saved for someone special?

Even though being in the FriendZone actually had its benefits, nevertheless one day

I QUIT!

I gave up on believing that I would ever be anything more than a friend to a girl. I was tired of getting my heart broken, and I'm such an emotional creature that I couldn't bear it anymore.

And then . . . Fadie.

I'll end this story simply by saying that just when I gave up on finding someone special or having a romantic relationship with someone who was also a friend, both happened without my trying.

And though I tried to increase her interest in me by cracking jokes, playing piano, or singing songs - none of it phased her. She looked beyond my reaching out and saw something within, prayed to God that I could be the one He made for her, and He answered her prayer.

That's right, Fadie - I love you. God made us fall in love. On March 3, 1994 I asked you to be my girlfriend - tempting all of fate one more time to have my heart broken.

18 years later, we're still here doing what we vowed to do - growing "older" together.

Liberating me from the FriendZone is the very least of what you've done for me. You are my best friend, and we're in love. It's the answer to my prayers too. Happy Us Day. I will forever be your David, but to the rest of the world, I will continue to be

- Funkyman

"More Than A Song" - one of the many dedications to my wife, Fadie Thomas Coleman from that sappy, nerdy man she blessed by saying "I Do".

FAIL REPORT

Hello Funkstars,

I have been spending the last three years engrossed in online media - news websites, blogposts, independent YouTube channels - that span the range of liberal to conservative, atheist to fundamentalist religious, and the random stories that are covered in the news. The internet is amazing in this way - we have more access to more information than we ever have in the past AND the ability to communicate with absolute strangers as well as reconnect with old friends. Pretty amazing.

That being said, I see a lot of intelligent writing and a lot of beautiful stories out there. However, as you know I also see a LOT of FAIL. Here is my list of the biggest recent FAILS in the news.


FAIL #1: Schettino & the Costa Concordia
Death tolls reached 16 yesterday in the cruise ship now infamous around the world, captained by the name now SYNONOMOUS with FAILURE - Schettino. What does that feel like? I mean, everyone makes mistakes, right? Well, some mistakes are worse than others.

When you are the captain of a vessel that has 4,000 people onboard, you are held to a different standard - a higher standard. Are we being too hard on this man? Well, we'll find out when all of the facts are settled, but from this viewpoint, it's looking pretty bad. Failure, Schettino is thy name.


FAIL #2: Boston Bruin Tim Thomas & the White House Refusal
So it is tradition that the office of the President honor the winner of the Stanley Cup by inviting them to the White House and greeting them in person. Dear Tim, your statement about your reasons for not going to Washington are hypocritical. You said you oppose "out of control" growth of the federal government that threatened "the rights, liberties, and property of the people."

"This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the federal government," the statement said. "Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL."

So . . . it's not about politics but you blame both parties? You mention rights, liberties, the Constitution and the Founding Fathers. That sounds pretty political to me. And what does the role of the government in our plight as a country have to do with being honored for your achievement by the office of the President? Tim, you're right that it shouldn't be about politics or party - it's about honor and team - two things you seemed to ignore. You say you had to make this choice as an INDIVIDUAL. But you didn't win the Stanley Cup as an individual. You are a team.

It's not about you.


FAIL #3: The Republican Party
I'm not trying to show bias toward any political party, believe me. However, the Democrats already have their candidate chosen and therefore, the Republicans have been center stage for half a year now. Quite simply, this is the most ridiculous cast of characters the world has seen from a party that clearly doesn't know what it wants. Front-runner Michele Bachmann, no front-runner Rick Perry, sorry no, Herman Cain is leading, wait Newt Gingrich, huh?, but Romney is the inevitable candidate, but wait Santorum wins Iowa, Newt's coming back and . . . I could write 10 blogs about Herman Cain alone and don't get me started on that Rick Perry "I'm a Christian" video. They all agree on one thing - "Anyone but Obama." However, they are so busy tearing each other down, that by the time their primary is decided, it's quite possible, there won't be much left to salvage. They need to get their act together and help give Americans something to think about and choose from, or the choice will be painfully simple.


FAIL #4: The South
It seems that my home state of Tennessee is the epi-center of the end of the world. I don't have time to go into the details of the decades of racial tension that has created the current circus that is Southern politics, but go and Google "Memphis School Consolidation" or "Teen Pregnancy Epidemic" or the recent attempt from the Tea Party to erase Slavery from the history of our Founding Fathers, or the Georgia teacher who assigned math homework with slavery questions, or the Texas social studies rewriting . . . etc. etc. etc.

But wait, hurry up and look up these stories on Google or Wikipedia while they're still running because . . .


FAIL #5: SOPA or PIPA
Simply put, all of the great news and stories I've been able to read would become subject to censorship and outright obliteration were these bills to be passed in Congress and Senate, respectively. As you've already seen, news and history is left to the mercy of a fallible human being. But if that human being's failure happens to be acting on prejudice, we end up failing history and therfore dooming ourselves to repeat it. Attempting to stop people from trying to share or "steal" materials is a no win for all of us. Want to stop online piracy with a bill? You may as well shut off the internet altogether. There's got to be a better way. Next thing you know, there will no longer be an Adventures of

- Funkyman

A Year in Hip-Hop

Hello Funkatricians, long post ahead. If you want to learn more about Hip-Hop, keep reading. Otherwise, see you next week!

Happy Funk Year! Happy New Funk! Funky New Year!

You: That's a lot of funk.

Me: Indeed.

Because today's topic is NOT my adventures with my own concerts and music, but rather the concerts I attended in 2011. People often ask me,

"Funkyman, what kind of music do you LISTEN to?"

I've always despised that question, because I, like you, listen to many kinds of music. In fact, I wrote a 7-part series of blogs about this a few years ago entitled "A New Era" that spanned all of my musical tastes (December 2007 - April 2008). Click here for a sample.

Often, I'm the one on stage. I perform several styles of music in a year - gospel, musical theater, hip-hop, pop, classical, jazz, etc. Because I'm a musician, I know a lot of musicians as well. In 2011, most of the concerts I attended were because of friends, colleagues, or family I knew that were participating or performing. But then I suddenly realized that the only kind of concert I attended where I didn't know the artist personally is:

Hip-Hop

Does that mean that in my free time I favor one kind of music? Not really. Let me break it down (Get it? Hip-Hop? "Break it down?" Fine! Anyway . . .)

A) Though I did when I was younger, today I don't like paying ridiculous amounts of money to see a live event - Hip Hop or otherwise. This means I rarely go to large venues for commercial music artists. (Sorry Lil' Wayne. Actually, I'm not.)

B) Since I prefer smaller venues, one of things I try to avoid is mosh pits. In college, I went to a lot of clubs to hear bands and was disenchanted with the number of drunk teenagers slamming against me in an effort to start moshing. I know people still don't do it that much, but I was pretty done after that.

C) I have seen several rock acts in large venues and small clubs, but not a lot of Hip-Hop. I'm trying to catch up.

D) Honestly, the Hip-Hop culture of the mid 90's was a little dark and intense for me. I loved the music, but was not interested in seeing it live.

E) In the year 2000, after become weary of commercial rap, I began desperately searching for underground Hip-Hop artists, and I found them. I fell in love with music that most people either don't know about or don't care to because they do not fit the commercial format - especially groups that championed old-school rap.

When I wrote about Hip-Hop years ago, I covered a little about what's right and wrong about the genre. Click here if you missed it.

But, enough of my yakking. Here is a list of the concerts I saw this year right here in good old Boston, and links to video clips so you can get a taste.


LYRICS BORN
Lyrics Born is a Japanese-American rapper out of California and ever since I discovered his music back in 2003, I've been a loyal fan. Lucky for me, he came through Boston in February of 2011 and DESTROYED Brighton Music Hall. I got to meet him too, which was a plus. I also met two local opening acts - Dee Tension - a legend in the Boston music scene and a DJ at WFNX, and MC Kabir - a prolific hip-hop artist who like me, is a teacher by day. Here is a sample of Lyrics Born music, but there is WAY more than this, of course. This is a satire of the rap industry.



It was a great concert, though I was discouraged by the poor turnout from the crowd - only about a 100 or so. It had been a while since I had been to a concert, so I thought maybe that's just how crowds are with hip-hop. Oh, how wrong I was.


ATMOSPHERE
In April, I went to see Atmosphere at the House of Blues and it was jam-packed with people - over a 1,000. This picture is actually from that evening.



I'm in that crowd, believe it or not. I wrote a bit about the experience. Click here if you missed it.

The opening acts were Sab the Artist, Grieves & Budo, and Blueprint - all from Minnesota, and all very talented. Sab had the least effective set and recited a few songs about how much he loved to drink. Grieves & Budo were electrifying - Grieves is the rapper and had great command over the crowd and Budo is a multi-talented instrumentalist, acting as trumpet player, keyboard player, and DJ all in one. Very impressive. Blueprint had a very short but very powerful set, and he is a profound artist worth paying attention to. I've been a fan of his for almost 10 years, ever since I heard him guest on an Aesop Rock song. (Aesop Rock is in my top ten list of most impressive MC's ever.) Check out one of his videos here. If you watch ANY clip on this blog, watch this one. Profanity aside, this message is why I began to stop listening to the radio and start supporting independent artists.



But of course, the main event was Atmosphere, featuring the rapper who goes by the name of Slug. They are a legendary group (meaning they've been around for a LONG time) and they have created their own music label and fan following. They are the blueprint for how to do music correctly, without getting eaten up and sold out by the industry. They stand out in a unfortunate category known as "white rappers," of which Eminem is often considered the king. However, all rappers, regardless of color, have their own style and their own perspective. Slug is a king in his own right.

I first discovered Slug after becoming a huge fan of one of his collaborators, Eyedea. In 2000, I discovered Eyedea on HBO (when HBO used to feature unknown artists). Eyedea is quite simply the greatest freestyle rapper I've ever heard - meaning he creates his verses in real time with no rehearsal. In this picture of me with Slug, you will see his name on my shirt.



I only lament never being able to see Eyedea perform live because late in 2010, he passed away at the very young age of 28. If you want to see a little bit of what made him a genius, watch this - and remember, he's making this stuff up off the top of his head.




TALIB KWELI
Later in April, I saw another one of my favorite rappers, Talib Kweli and got to meet him as well. (He signed my Funkyman CD! Gush!)



Talib Kweli hit the scene in the late 90's with Mos Def in a project called BlackStar - an album which every hip-hop fan either has or wishes they did. They stood out as young East Coast (Brooklyn!) rappers with a strong consciousness message and absolutely fresh voices and abilities. Mos Def went on to make one of the greatest records of all time - Hip-Hop or otherwise, called Black on Both Sides. Talib was also quite prolific with his future projects, though never reached the iconic status that Mos did. However, his skills never faded. His latest album, Gutter Rainbows, is one of his best. Here is a clip:



The concert was at the Paradise, and a good friend turned out to be Talib's bass player (Brian!) Talib was on point in his control of the mic and he brought along Jean Grae - an amazing talent you should check out. She is one of the only female rappers that I respect for lyrical depth and ability. (Sorry, Nicky Minaj. Actually, I'm not). The opening act for Talib Kweli was a guy also from Brooklyn called Fred the Godson. He's up and coming but his set was unbalanced and felt out of place given the amount of profanity he spit out in a short amount of time. He did have a funny moment where they staged him having a heart-attack on stage because he's overweight, and then they broke into a song called "I'm Too Fat." It made me simultaneously smile and frown remembering the faded glory of the Fat Boys - great talent, but short lives due to their health. I pause to be grateful for my health.

Amen.


PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS
In June, I caught a group I didn't think I would get to see live. Another underground rap success story from California, the PUTS also played the Paradise. They are champions of old-school rap - nothing too serious, just good music to have a good time. If you're looking for that, give them a listen. Here's a clip:



Opening act was Los Wunder Twins Del Rap, featuring Dee Tension again. My favorite part of their set was a cover of "Beats to the Rhyme" - one of my favorite Run DMC songs.


MOS DEF
In December, as luck would have it, the other half of BlackStar came to Boston to play the Wilbur Theater. A rare treat for Hip-Hop fans - Mos Def in concert. Mos Def had such success with his first solo album, he became a cultural icon. He was featured in Hollywood movies, Broadway plays, HBO specials, etc. However, like many artists, creatively, he peaked too soon, and while no one can ever take away his genius and talent, nothing he's done since that first album has lived up to its impact. Therefore, most people that night were expecting him to roll out several songs from that well received project.

We were wrong.

Mos goes by the name Yasiin Bey now, and wants to put that era of his career behind him. He did do a couple of the older songs, but he left the audience scratching their head with a very long wait and a very short concert. Fortunately for this Hip-Hop fan, there were two stellar opening acts from Boston - a rapper called Moe Pope and a band called Bad Rabbits. Mos Def clips are easy to come by, but check out Bad Rabbits & Moe Pope together on this track:




THE ROOTS
The day after Christmas, the legendary Roots crew took the stage at the House of Blues and restored my faith in Hip-Hop, Music, America, and Mankind. There is simply no one like them and they have been around a long time - pioneers of this crazy idea called live music in Hip-Hop. I could dedicate a blog to them alone. How many rap groups have a sousaphone? A human scratch man? Have been featured on Yo Gabba Gabba? You may have seen the Roots on TV because they are also the studio band for Jimmy Fallon's show on NBC. However, here is a clip of them 17 YEARS AGO - they were killing it then, and they're even better now.



That's real Hip-Hop.

And that's the way it was for 2011. I hope if you stuck with this post this long, you find some time to kick back and listen to some of these artists. And if you become fans or even better get to meet any of them in the future, you can tell them you were introduced to their music by

- Funkyman

Freedom FROM Religion?

PITMAN, N.J. (AP) A national group is asking officials in the southern New Jersey town of Pitman to take down a banner that says, "Keep Christ in Christmas."

The Freedom From Religion Foundation says the banner violates the Constitution because it was put up by members of the local fire department and hangs from two town-owned light posts over a county-owned road. Officials say a similar banner has hung over the town about a dozen miles south of Philadelphia for the past 50 years.

Co-president of the FFRF Annie Laurie Gaylor said, according to NJ.com, the banner offends "non-believers, Jews, Wiccans and Americans of any religion."


I'll pause here.




Hello Funketeers,

Today, I would like to direct my thoughts and attention to an organization known as the Freedom From Religion Foundation.

Dear madams and sirs,

I found this news story one morning while enjoying my breakfast and perusing online news stories. It is no surprise to me that every year there are battles being waged over the separation of church and state and how Christmas is a lightning rod for that debate. We have heard of the alleged "War on Christmas," where schools, businesses, and non-religious groups are increasingly intolerant of expressions of any celebration of the religious OR secular practices of Christmas. After reading this story, I visited your website to find out more info about what you believe. The bottom line of my message to you is:

Choose your battles.

There is a time and a place for protest. America was founded on protest. However, I am not here today to speak against protest or your American right to promote the value of the ideal of separation of church and state. I'm here to argue for the value of tolerance.

The dictionary definition of "Tolerance" is - a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own. Yes, tolerance - not only on private property (where most people with your views believe should be the only place religious expression should exist), but in the public square as well.

I continually hear the argument that a prayer or invocation before a graduation is a governmental endorsement of a particular religion. However, I have seen several invocations given by rabbis, imams, buddhist monks, secular/humanist poets, as well as ministers and priests. I would dare argue that the existence of invocations is NOT an endorsement of the ideas or religion of the speaker - it's an endorsement for INVOCATIONS.

An invocation is the act or process of petitioning for help or support or a calling upon for authority or justification. When people gather for meetings of any kind, especially where decisions are being made or a rite of passage occurs, it makes sense that some groups would choose to open with this procedure. However, if they choose not to, that's their prerogative.

If you disagree with a group having an invocation, you have every right to protest. However, if that group feels strongly it should have one - whether they choose to acknowledge a higher power or simply RESPECT the faiths of those who believe in a higher power, that's where tolerance begins. It's not about you.

You see, this is not just a constitutional issue. We Americans have a problem with public displays of faith - especially Christian.

Simply say the words "Tim Tebow" and we already know that when someone expresses their faith in public, it rubs people the wrong way. Everyone is scratching their head trying to figure out why it bugs them so much.

Is it because Christianity is the majority religion in America, making it easier to impose on everyone else? Certainly.
Is it because Christianity is viewed as a superior doctrine, which makes people of other faiths and non-religious people feel intimidated and subordinate? Of course.
Is it because the Christian Church has an ugly history of oppression, violence, and corruption? Absolutely.
Is it because people identify Christians as always proselytizing - trying to convert everyone? You betcha.

Christianity actually is WAY more than the sum of these strikes, and it's enduring legacy is because of the true heart of the faith and what it means to mankind. But regardless of how we feel, Tim Tebow has both an American right to say he loves Jesus Christ and a golden opportunity to use national and world-wide media to express it. We might hate it, but he's not wrong. We have to tolerate it.

Enter Pitman, New Jersey.

A banner hangs on a street that says "Keep Christ in Christmas" and the FFRF has gone on record as saying this is offensive to "non-believers, Jews, Wiccans, and Americans of any religion."

Would you like to rethink your answer?

I mean, leave the Jews and Wiccans out because you already covered them in the following group. And after Americans of any religion and non-believers, who exactly is left? Therefore, you're basically saying this banner is offensive to EVERYONE? Really? A banner that has been hung in the same town for 50 years? I guess the owners of that banner are just like "Hey let's offend everyone again this year and hang it up anyway!" Is that what they're doing? Of course not.

If the idea of seeing the word "Christ or Christmas" during the holidays is offensive to you - whether in the public square or not, I would dare say this is not an issue of separation of church and state, but of tolerance. If one were being "fair, objective, and permissive" - one would understand that it's Christmas-time, and people celebrate Christmas. This is not a stretch. If for any reason you don't share in that celebration, certainly you should tolerate it. You protest because one side of the street it hangs on is not private property and that it's in clear view of anyone on the street? Come on guys. It's not a government endorsement of Christianity. It's a government recognition of the freedom of expression. Before you jump in and respond, here are a couple more thoughts, and I'll close.

About 25% of Americans are either non-Christian or non-religious altogether. I agree that just because the majority of Americans are Christians, we should not be allowed to dominate the nation's discourse with our faith. However, rather than spending your energies fighting something as harmless as this banner in New Jersey, think about this:

VEGANS
About 1% of Americans are vegetarian or vegan. Most vegans consider their choice to refrain from meat and dairy products as more than about health. It's a doctrine. However, they are bound by tolerance to live in a world surrounded by a meat and dairy-glorifying culture. They have to shop in stores and markets where there are butchers, eat in restaurants where people are ordering steaks medium rare, and have to consistently hear and watch advertisements, movies, television shows, books, etc. where people with the COMPLETE OPPOSITE DOCTRINE revel in their status of the majority group of carnivores. Certainly several of them are disgusted, offended, and made to feel uncomfortable by these displays of meat-eating. Is that fair? Nope. But they tolerate it.

Should we amend the Constitution and put in the Vegan Amendment?:

"Congress shall make no law concerning the establishment or promotion of animal consumption."

No? You know why that's not in the Constitution? You guessed it. But that's about how silly protesting this banner is.

POLITICS
Roughly 70% of Americans affiliate with a certain political party, each half (35%) having COMPLETELY OPPOSITE views on the world as another party. Yet, when the majority of that party holds seats in the government, the other side has no choice but to tolerate it, even though they may be protesting in the meantime.
What we do NOT do is say it's UNCONSTITUTIONAL for them to express their views or make laws based on them.

And as I said earlier, protest is important. Atheists should demand respect for their viewpoints. But just like us religious people have to be embarassed by the actions of members of our faiths, so should you. If you continue to fight against banners and nativity scenes simply because they are in clear sight of everyone, Christian or not, I believe you are doing a disservice to your organization, which stands on a very real and important ideal.

By the way, the concept of separation of church and state is NOT Freedom FROM Religion, no matter how you spin it. The First Amendment is for non-religious people too, but just as Buddhists must tolerate Christians and vice-versa, you have to tolerate us. I mean . . . we tolerate you. :-) There is no line in any official American document or letter from a prominent Founding Father that states Americans have the RIGHT to freedom from religion. The stance of "what about my right to NOT hear about anyone's God?" is not rational or logical. You are free to be atheist or non-religious, but to imagine you could live in a world free from public displays of faith . . . Where does it end? With this viewpoint, one could argue that simply having to SEE a church on the corner could be offensive to someone who doesn't practice that religion. Isn't that a little nuts? I thought you would agree.

So please continue your efforts in arenas where separation of church and state matter - at the federal, state, and local level with issues where real financial, social, and constitutional problems exist. Not because someone wrote you a letter saying they felt uncomfortable because they saw the word "Christ" and "Christmas" in the same sentence downtown while they were shopping.

Respectfully,

- Funkyman

P.S. - Merry Christmas!

Vows

Hello Funkachusetts,

"I Take You To Be My Wedded"
On Thursday, December 1, 2011, my younger brother Anthony got married. A - MAZING

You: Funkyman, why is that so amazing? Is your brother a bad catch?

Funkyman: Not at all. He's a great guy.

You: Then what gives?

Funkyman: Well, I'm glad you asked.


"To Have and To Hold, From This Day Forward"
It's amazing because the woman he married has been with him for 15 years, perfectly happy, and the entire world had given up on the idea of them getting married because it wasn't important to them. In our minds and in every practical definition of the word, they were married. You see, in the end, their happiness was all that ever mattered to our family. Of course we are rejoicing for them that they took this step, but in truth, we all would have died happy if they never did - as long as it was what they wanted. Their marriage - correction, their relationship - was never about us.

And this event reminded me that no one's marriage is about me, except my own. I have strayed away from the topic of gay marriage on this blog for a very long time, but it's on my heart and the wait is over. So buckle up.


"For Better or For Worse"
The institution of marriage is sacred to me. This is largely due to the fact that my parents divorced when I was a teenager, and though I knew it was what was best for everyone, I vowed never to let that happen to me - divorce that is. Of course, the best solution to never getting a divorce is never getting married. Then I met my wife . . .

It was difficult for me to think about spending the rest of my life with my best friend with the fear of a possible divorce hanging over our heads. At least it was difficult until I had the revelation:

I am not my father. Fadie is not my mother. Our relationship is not their relationship. Our paths our different. Our marriage will be different - for better or for worse. In truth, I cannot guarantee what will happen tomorrow. However, I can choose (if I'm blessed to wake up this morning) to devote myself to my God and my wife so that I will honor them both.


"For Richer, For Poorer"
A lot of the controversy surrounding gay marriage is centered on the definition of marriage. There are those that believe adding monogamous homosexual relationships into the patchwork of marriage will injure the very idea of marriage itself. The common point made by advocates of gay marriage is 'what does two people of the same sex getting married have ANYTHING to do with your marriage?' I myself had come to define marriage as a holy institution - a relationship between two people that involves a third party - God. I still view my marriage that way. Not everyone shares that opinion/view - and guess what my response is? Who cares what you think? It's my marriage. What does my marriage have ANYTHING to do with your marriage? If the point works both ways, it's a good point.

I will not go into the obvious points of how we heterosexuals have already done an excellent job of injuring the idea of marriage. But regardless of how you feel personally about hetero or homosexual relationships, someone out there right now is falling in love with another person, and it's beyond our control. And control seems to be so desperately what society is trying to hold onto.

I've known people who view marriage as an arrangement. It makes a lot of financial sense to be married if you live with someone. However, those same people are in love-less, life-less relationships and have opted for comfort and stability versus intimacy. I also know people who wait to get married until "we get on our feet financially" - waiting until that right job, right house, right portfolio is set up. Well, to each his/her own, but that's not why I got married. Once I realized that I wanted to die trying to make my relationship flourish with my girlfriend, I couldn't WAIT to be married - money or not. My life was not going to begin until that day arrived.


"In Sickness and In Health"
After divorce, sometimes people consider getting re-married because of fear. Fear that they won't have someone to take care of them when they get sick and/or grow old. I know personally those who got married for this reason alone. I think that's unfortunate, but is that a crime? Not in America.

In America, as long as you're a man and she's a woman, you have the right to get married for whatever purpose you see fit. Because the government has concluded that they cannot judge an individual couple's motives for getting married, just so long as they register and follow the rules.

Now remember, this goes completely against my earlier definition of what I think marriage is. Shouldn't I be protesting the government for allowing this "travesty" to occur? Should I be running for office so I can change the laws and instill my "correct" definition of marriage?

No? You're right. Because if MY definition of marriage were truly instituted - a relationship between two people devoted and committed to a God-centric union - MOST people - hetero or homosexual - would NOT be allowed to marry! Most HETEROSEXUAL couples would have to register as civil unions and I would reserve the title of "married" for the select few who fit the "holy" requirements. How do ya like 'dem apples?

. . . but, no, that's not what I'm going to do, because I cannot judge anyone else's motives for marriage or with who and how they fall in love.


"To Love and To Cherish"
My brother's wife is now legally a member of our family. But my brother's wife was ALREADY a member of my family many years ago the moment they decided to commit themselves to each other and love one another. I cannot express to you the joy in my heart the day he told me he had found someone special in his life. I cannot express it because I already knew how big a deal that was to me when I fell in love with my wife. It's not LIKE winning the lottery. It's better. And if you've been blessed enough to meet someone like that in your life, then I'm happy for you too.

You: Funkyman, aren't you a Christian?

Yes, and by Christian standards, my brother and his wife were "living in sin" for almost 15 years. In fact, I expected his phone call last week to be about how they finally were expecting a child. And if they were pregnant and had a child out of wed-lock, do you know what I would call that child? My family. The status of their sex life does not define their relationship to me.

My Christian brothers and sisters quote the Bible passages relating to sexual behavior - which is the only way homosexuality is referenced in the Bible. We get so caught up in thinking of relationships and marriage as sexual. But sex does not define your relationship or your marriage. When you truly fall in love and reveal your heart and trust with someone - that's not sex. When you hug someone and hold them and tell them "It's going to be OK" - that's not sex. When you nurse your best friend back to health, see them through the hard times, go to events together, laugh, live, love, play and celebrate life together - that's not sex. That's love. And whether Christians are ready to accept it or not, homosexual relationships - especially ones that seek marriage as a life-choice - are founded on love, not sex.

I've found that in my life, and my family and friends are happy for me. When my friends and family find that, I'm happy for them. And even if you haven't found that special person in your life yet, it is my prayer for you to be happy and to be well. My personal relationship with God has nothing to do with how you will experience pain and loss in your life. I won't let it get in the way of your pursuit of happiness either. Whether or not you believe what I believe, I am praying for you. :-)

So I ask you, my friend . . . Are you happy? Are you well?

That's all that I care about. That's all that matters.

"'Til Death Do Us Part."

Hopefully, we'll be together after that too. Amen.

- Funkyman

Mouse Double Clique

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Which then begs the question
So often I quote,
"Why in God's name is there a rodent
In this poem of note?"

You see I have little fears
Of things in this life,
But a creature running through my den
Completely scares my wife

And to be completely honest,
With this fear I agree.
If I see a mouse in my house,
It is World. War. Three.

- Funky-Kringle

Hello Funkalores,

That's right. It's holiday time, and mice are on my mind. I have been hearing stories recently from friends who have had not one or two, but actual invasions of rodents in their homes, and the stories are not all pretty. Let's lay some ground rules:

- Yes, I understand that mice are living creatures, created by God for us to have dominion over and to protect.
- Yes, I understand that mice can be more scared of us than we are of them.
- Yes, I understand that the methods of disposing of mice can be cruel and unusual.

OK? OK.

Now, that we have that out of the way I want everyone to know that I do not have a problem with mice.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MICE IN MY HOUSE!!!!!

You know how when you're walking outside and you see an ant hill and hundreds of ants going back and forth carrying food and building materials? You're like "Wow - look at nature! So cool!" Nobody bothers them, you watch in amazement, and then you go about your day.

Let's say that same procession of ants is in your bathroom . . . on the way there from the living room . . . . somehow from beneath your couch . . . where you discover after moving it . . . there is an old Wheat Thin on the floor that has attracted the horde of insects into your living space. It's not so cool then is it? That's when nature stops and RAID-APALOOZA 2011 begins.

You: "Well Funkyman, ants are supposed to live outside. Mice are domestic creatures that enjoy the comforts of shelter and warmth."

Funkyman: "Oh, OK. I think there's a house down the street they would love."

You: "That house probably already has mice. Your house . . ."

Funkyman: "Not my house."

You: "But you're being silly, you just need . . . "

Funkyman: "Not my house."

You: "No let me finish. What I'm trying to say . . . "

Funkyman: "Do you hear me? NO MI CASA!!!!!"

You: " . . . you're crazy."

Funkyman: "CRAZY LIKE A FOX!!!"

I know it's holiday time, and we watch these cute little movies with families dwelling in harmony with the little mouse hole in the wall, and then we go inside the hole and see the mouse family, and oooh they're so cute. Hey they're people too and they have feelings and

STOPPPPP!!!!!

REALITY CHECK! Check the FACTS!

- Mice are nocturnal
- As soon as they think you're not around, they don't stay in the walls - they run around your ENTIRE HOUSE - your beds, your clothes, your desk, your kitchen appliances, your pantry, etc.
- They can live for a long time on almost nothing
- THERE'S NEVER JUST ONE
- Some mice are NOT afraid, and want dominion over YOUR space
- Mickey Mouse is NOT REAL - sorry Aimée.

I know that everyone has a mouse horror story. Here are some of mine for your reading (dis)pleasure.

FLUFF
OK, this one isn't mine. A friend told me once of a jar of marshmallow Fluff she used to keep in her desk drawer. One day, she opened the drawer, unscrewed the jar of Fluff, and was face to face with a dead mouse staring up at her - eyes wide open - in shock. It seems the mouse got into the desk drawer, gnawed its way into the bottom of the plastic jar, and began to eat the fluff, crawling insde and getting trapped in the sticky goodness. My friend never ate Fluff again. How about you?


ZOMBIE MOUSE
My very first experience with mice in my living space was when I lived in a studio apartment in Jamaica Plain. Surrounding the perimeter of the room was the heating system - a perfect covering for any creature who wanted to run around the apartment unseen by occupied eyes. I had several mice running around the room, into the room, in the trash - one day a mouse leapt out of my trash when it heard I was approaching the kitchen - it had to stop.

Since I was inexperienced as to how to deal with them, I went and bought the traditional mouse trap - cheap, wooden, and grotesquely efficient - or so I thought . . .

I set the traps around the room under the heating vent, and one day I came home to find one of the traps had been flipped over. Now here comes the hard part - getting on my knees and picking up this trap with a dead mouse. As I bent down and reached for the trap, suddenly

THE TRAP JUMPED AWAY FROM ME. THE MOUSE WAS NOT DEAD - still fighting for its life. This completely freaked me out, and I have not enjoyed using those kind of traps since. Poor fella.


DOUBLE-CLICK YOUR MOUSE
One night, I was doing some work in the basement of a church, sitting in the office at a computer. A mouse ran across the top of my computer. Insert scream here.



SURPRISE SHOWER
One night, my wife prepared to step into the shower, but before she turned on the water, she noticed small black droppings in the tub. Yes, it was mouse droppings. As she ran to tell me, I built up my courage to go investigate. Sure enough, there they were, and I thought to myself, "How did the mouse get in an out of the bathtub?"

No sooner did I think that then, I pulled back the shower curtain to discover, the mouse had NOT left the tub. It was trapped. Somehow, it scaled the shower curtain and fell into the tub, and now it couldn't get back out again.

You're probably wondering what I did. I contemplated back and forth about the benefits of seizing the upper hand and getting rid of him once and for all versus being humane and helping him get out. Of course, helping him meant catching him first, because there was NO WAY I was going to let him free into my house to scamper away just to bother me again. The mouse was leaping and scurrying like crazy trying to get out. My wife was crying, my daughter was terrified. What should I do? Hmmm . . . .

I will not terrorize you with the details, but to paraphrase the movie Die Hard, let's just say that mouse will not be bothering us for the rest of his life. Honestly, it took me weeks to get over it, and I still have bad thoughts of that night.


Am I a monster? Perhaps. I think mice ARE cute - in a cage, where I can be assured they'll stay. I'd even go so far to pet one if it were truly domesticated. But just like cats and dogs - you wouldn't let a wild cat live in your house (see The Hangover - LOL!), nor would you let a wild dog around your children. Why should I tolerate a wild mouse? Why can't they all be cute and cuddly like Mickey?

So peace, hope, love, and joy to you this holiday season. I'm praying for a mouse-free home for each and every one of you. And if you or anyone you know has an issue with mice - please seek professional advice, and do NOT call

- Funkyman

Power Links

Hello Funkticulans,

Last night was the Fall concert for the Third Day Gospel Choir at Tufts University. The concert was themed "The Power of the Third Day." And powerful it was. So since you were all there, I don't need to . . . what? What's that you say? You were NOT there? Oh, I see. No problem. Here is what you missed - with links to the original versions of the songs!

"Worship Him" - Based on an old gathering song for the church - "We have come into this house, gathered in His name to worship Him" - I had the choir enter the audtorium singing this anthem in the traditional style and then we broke into the funkier version, arranged by yours funkly. Great power, great singing and great vibe. Great way to kickoff the concert. No links for this one - working on it.

"We Lift Up Your Name" - A Fred Hammond song off of the album "Praise in the House" that was heavily covered when it came out in the late nineties. A high-energy, infectious song. If you've never heard it before, click here.

"There's a Lifting of the Hands" - An Israel Houghton song off of the album "New Season" in 2001. Not the most popular song from the album, but a perfect song for choirs - which are hard to find these days. If you've never heard it, click here.


"Stir Up the Gift" - A Colorado Mass Choir Song from 1998. Another high energy (you see a pattern here yet?) fun song to sing that I have often used to get the audience involved. The audience at the concert did a fabulous job. Big shout out to all of the Third Day alums in the front row! With them singing with us, we had a good 500 people singing at once. Good times. If you've never heard . . . oh you know what to do.


"Well Done" - A Funkyman original led by Shaunielle McDonald - our guest soloist. What can I say? She brought the house down. Well done! Get it? OK, call the obvious joke police. I'm guilty.

"Praise Him" - Another Funkyman original that is the one of the most performed songs I've ever written. I composed it in 1998 with the idea that I wanted a sure-fire way of getting an audience involved in the a song/concert. It has a LOT of words and takes a while to learn, but it works like a charm. So proud of the choir nailing it last night. Well Done! Praise Him! Ha ha ha. "Officer? . . . yes C-O-L-E-M-A-N. No I did not realize how fast my bad jokes were going. I'll slow down."

"I Speak Life" - A Donald Lawrence song led by Elyse Galloway. Another powerful message song from the album by the same name. Elyse did a great job and the choir delivered the message well. Remember - speaking life doesn't cause it to happen. It encourages the listener to live. Speaking encouragement is the one of the most effective ways to make a difference. For anyone who's never heard this powerful song, click here.

"I Am the Resurrection" - The world premiere of Funkyman's latest song went splendidly. A rock-infused anthem that spoke to the theme of our concert very well. Even though we had a false start, we resurrected the opening of the song well. "OK, officer, that was not a joke as much as a pun-styled reference. There is a HUGE difference. What? What do you mean 'come with you downtown'? I've done nothing wrong. Get your hands off of me. Hey! I'm an American citi . . . I have rights! Occupy Funk! WE ARE THE 0.00099%!!!!!"

"You Are" - Originally performed by Darlene Zschech and Ron Kenoly, Kristen Ford put her own touch on a song widely regarded as Contemporary Christian and not Gospel. I spiced up the chords and arranged the choir differently and voila - a gospel song. Very nice job, everyone.

"I'll Never Stop Praising the Lord" - Originally written by O'landa Draper (from my hometown of Memphis!) and led by Shirley Caesar, Shaunielle McDonald returned to the stage and took us home with this one. High energy song that works every time. If you ever wanted to see a man and a choir who inspired me to be a gospel choir director, click here. You will not be sorry.

And that was the Fall Concert at Tufts for 2011. Also, big shout out to Amy Bean and the other students who performed sign language for our concert! I always leave someone out of the thanks at the end, and nobody caught it. So sorry. I love what you do!

I have done a Fall Concert with a college choir 17 times now. It is a great way of finding encouragement and inspiration in a dark time of the year. All across the country, other universities and schools are participating or preparing for their own Fall gospel celebrations. You don't have to look too hard here in Boston - MIT, Boston College, Boston University, Northeastern, Berklee, Harvard - all have student gospel ensembles ready to celebrate victory through song. Check them out! It's not too late.

Now, could someone please come downtown and bail out

- Funkyman

Trick or Treat?

Hello Funk-or-Treaters,

It's Halloween today. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I have never written about this holiday, and probably for good reason. I try (somewhat unsuccessfully) to avoid topics that are too serious. However, since I will be spending my day thinking about it anyway . . .

I know that most of the world is content to just enjoy the fun parts of any holiday and say the origins and meaning of the holiday are completely secondary. I want you all to know that I agree with that sentiment - however, there are contradictions lying within that ideal.

Submitted for Your Approval . . .

Question: Would you celebrate a holiday whose roots were glorifying the genocide of a people - say, the Holocaust? No, me neither.

However, controversial as it is, we Americans do celebrate Columbus Day and the 4th of July, and before you go crazy, I understand the significance of the "civilization" of America, but many people believe that there was a perfectly fine civilization here before Europeans touched the shore. Some people have a problem with Thanksgiving for the same reasons. And while July 4 marks independence from England, it also marks the establishment of institutionalized slavery - which includes buying and selling Africans, rape, and yes, murder. This is why many people choose not to celebrate these American Historical milestones.

Me? - I'm enjoying my day off on Columbus, eating and spending time with family at Thanksgiving, and getting a kick out of fireworks on the 4th. Am I insensitive or better yet, desensitized to the above raised issues? Perhaps. However, it is my theory that just because you participate in an activity - you do NOT necessarily glorify or honor the history of how it was practiced in the past by other people. That is how I feel about Halloween and Christmas.


Walk with me for a moment, Christians:


Just because people go to church does NOT mean they are glorifying God. Just because people celebrate Christmas does NOT mean they are honoring the birth of Jesus. And just because people sing Christmas carols, does NOT mean they find favor with God.

If that's true, then why do we vilify Halloween as the ONE, SINGULAR holiday we refuse to take part because we believe that dressing up a child as a duck, a farmer, a cat, a spaceman, or even a witch, a demon, or a monster is GLORIFYING EVIL? That getting candy on October 31 is IDOL WORSHIP? Yes, I know of families that will not let their kids even go to SCHOOL on Halloween just so they will not be a part of the school-wide Halloween Assembly. The reason? Devil worship.


Pause.


You see, we love to do research SOMETIMES and look up the meaning of holidays, and we discover that Halloween is rooted in a Pagan Celtic ritual (Samhain) that promoted the belief in evil spirits and false gods. We tend to ignore the parts where the Christian church created its own holiday (All Saints Day) in an attempt to distract attention from the pagan one, and in the end only POPULARIZED and PROMOTED the very holiday it sought to destroy. Yes, we have the (American) church largely to thank for the popularity of Halloween. The history of the sacred vs. secular monstrosity know as Christmas is almost identical. Click here for more on that.

I do find it interesting that the same Christians that I know that are against this holiday are also AVID fans of horror movies. Yes, horror movies - the most gory, vile, demonic, disgusting stories and images imaginable. If Halloween is evil, then certainly these movies are as well. And what about the mafia? Yes, the same Christians that think Halloween is glorifying the devil are HUGE fans of shows like the Sopranos and movies like the Godfather and Scarface (OK, not a mafia movie, but you get my point!) And don't get me started on videogames . . .

But I digress. This is not about the hypocrisies found in people. God knows, I'm far from perfect. All I'm saying is, if you're going to make the leap of logic and think that I, a believer, am cursed for participating in any part of secular Halloween, then a non-believer MUST be blessed by participating in any part of secular Christmas. Sorry, that's just not part of our faith, nor does it make much sense.

- Dressing a baby as a ladybug.

- Giving Gummi-Savers to the neighborhood kids.

- Singing songs at school like "Things That Go Bump in the Night"

- Picking out a pumpkin, and decorating it.

These activities are fun and quite innocent, and done with the spirit of love and centered on family and community ACTUALLY go to honor and promote God, not the opposite. Hurting someone, wishing hurt on someone, saying mean things, thinking you're better than someone - these things are the enemy. You see, like the Church TRIED to do, I'm GOING to take the darkness out of Halloween for my daughter, and participate with sound judgment and care.

Now that I've said all of that, I want you to know that I HATE Halloween. Where I grew up, Halloween is a dark time of year - people use it as an excuse to vandalize property, hurt people, and try to ACTUALLY practice Satanic rituals. There is a dark side to this holiday that I have a difficult time forgetting. It certainly is not all good, and I had no intentions of making it a part of our annual traditions.

However, one day, my daughter, 4 years old at the time, came and told me of the school-wide Halloween assembly, and that she wanted to go dressed as a princess. I melted as anyone would seeing the excitement on her face.

She didn't want to do something evil - she wanted to play dress-up with her friends. Why wouldn't you let your kids do that? Because it's the 31st of October and that's dishonoring God?

I bought her a princess dress and tiara, and on the day of the assembly, all of the students marched into the gym in a parade. My daughter entered holding hands with two of her friends.

I. Have. Never. Seen. My. Daughter. Happier. Than. That. Moment.

She was glowing. I still have it on video, and I watch it often when I want a good cry! After the parade, the kids sang songs together like "Pick a Pumpkin" and "I'm a Little Goblin" (instead of "Teapot"). It quite simply is my favorite memory of my daughter.

As long as my daughter understands light from dark, I can sleep at night. The funny thing is that she scares very easily. She can't watch most movies, even Toy Story, because of the antagonist characters. Last year she went Trick-or-Treating and got scared out of her mind, but she's glad she had the experience. This year, she is way more excited to just stay home and be the one passing out the candy. She's got her cat outfit ready to go for today's Assembly. She's got a BUCKET full of Jolly Rancher Lollipops, Twizzlers, and Gummies to pass out this evening to the young and young-at-heart.

And she's got me, standing by her protecting and guiding her in all she does.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit that we should NOT get caught up in the game of not participating in something because of the way SOME people choose to celebrate. I certainly celebrate Christmas my own way, and I cannot worry about the next man and whether or not they understand the TRUE meaning of the holiday - especially when there is no singular true meaning. Make the decisions on your own, weigh the good and the bad, and be true to what you believe.

Let's teach our children right from wrong, and as long as you're actively parenting them - let. them. be. kids. Childhood only lasts a few years. They've got a long life of battling to do when you won't be around so much.

OCCUPY YOUR CHILDREN

- Funkyman

P.S. - Here is a clip of the beginning of the Adventures of Funkyman LIVE! event back in April. Enjoy! More videos coming!

For the Parents

Hello Funkistas,

This past weekend was Parents' Weekend at Dana Hall School, and this coming weekend will be Parents' Weekend at Tufts University. This Friday night, I will attend the 2nd Grade Parents' Dinner at my daughter's school, and last but not least . . . I need to call my mother.

Yes it's parent time in this part of the world: a time where parents want to see if all of this money they're spending (or receiving) is worth it. I have to say that I enjoy preparing for these weekends. The parents deserve it and nothing makes kids happier than seeing their parents be proud of them.

My daughter continually seeks my approval, which is very sweet because it means she needs me. The trick is, I need her approval too. I won't know what to do with myself if we lose that relationship.

I certainly have always looked for approval from my parents. So here is a quick list of the moments in my life when I THINK I made my parents proud.


BIRTH
Stop laughing. Seriously, my father was not able to see my older brother be born in the delivery room. 2 years later, he got the chance with me, and he told me that experience changed him and made him pursue his faith in a more meaningful way.

1ST GRADE
I skipped Kindergarten, because I was reading at an advanced level (3rd Grade). The truth is I was not taught to read. I was reading billboards in the car at age 3. Yes, I AM KYLE XY!!! No seriously, I have a hard time believing the stories myself.

HOMECOMING KING
In 6th Grade, (pictured above) I became Homecoming King of my school, grades K-8 because I raised the most money for the school (see - politics and money! Occupy Grade School!!!). My mother baked oatmeal cookies for me every day, and I sold them after school. I think I raised $800. That's a LOT of cookies in 1981.

TANGLEWOOD
I was admitted to the Boston University Tanglewood Institute in 1986 before my junior year of high school. My parents drove up from Memphis for the final piano recital, and I played Ginastera's Danzas Argentina (Wilkie!). The look on my parents' face was like saying "The lessons were worth it." I can't thank you enough Mom and Dad for how true that is.

FADIE
Meeting my wife and letting my parents know I had a partner for life - 'nough said.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY INNER STRENGTH GOSPEL CHOIR
The choir I directed the longest - 10 years. My father ritually flew up to Boston to be able to sit in the audience and relive that Tanglewood memory over and over again. He spent the money on the airfare and took the time so he could bask in the pride while I was just doing my job.

TUFTS UNIVERSITY
When I got my Master's Degree, my mother was the only one who attended my graduation - my wife was so sick that day. :( It was anti-climatic for me to walk in the ceremony, and I told my mother it was no big deal, but she wanted to go. Spending that time with her made me get into the experience. It was nice to have her there smiling for me.

AIMÉE
The greatest thing God has ever done through me.


Yeah, there's more I suppose, but you get the idea. I know you all have your lists of moments you received your parents' approval. Believe me that no matter what you think - your parents want your approval too. Simple late night wisdom from

- Funkyman

Here is a video of a Glee-style mash-up I arranged for Dana Hall's Parents' Weekend in 2009. Enjoy!

Fast Food Tales

Hello Funkoisseurs,

Last week I recounted horrible tales at Friendly's. It got me thinking about all of the crazy experiences I've had in restaurants in my short 40 years of life - especially at fast food restaurants, where I know all of you have stories to tell as well. No binding theme to these stories, but some of them are worth sharing.

MCDONALD'S
Though I do not eat there anymore (trying to maintain this 130 lb. weight loss!), I, like millions of Americans, was raised with this being part of my eating life. I have seen a lot of funny things in McDonald's, but the best was one night when my friend Eddie and I were going through the drive-thru and ordered a burger and fries. When we got to the window, the woman handed us a bag with like 12 hamburgers, a 20-pack of Chicken nuggets and like 12 fries - hot and fresh. Eddie took the food and drove away.

As I'm sitting in the passenger seat COMPLETELY bewildered as to how that happened. Eddie broke the silence and said, "That girl likes me."

Funkyman: "Likes you? I dare say that's quite a gesture for liking someone."

Eddie: "Don't hate."

Funkyman: "I'm not hating. Look, she could get fired for doing that. What if she got caught? What if they run out of food for other customers because we just pulled away with the mega-family McFeast? Are we planning on eating all of this food? I mean, what a waste really! There are people starving and dying for food all over, and here we are with a sack full of hot and salty, delicious McDonald's fries."

Eddie: "Do you want some fries, David?"

Funkyman: " . . . yes."



BURGER KING
No long story here. I just want it to go on record that THE BURGER KING GUY IS SCARY!!!!! I have had nightmares with that huge bearded head with the crown. Enough said.



CHURCH'S CHICKEN
You've heard of KFC and maybe even Popeye's, but in Memphis where I grew up, Church's Chicken was a big deal. Yes, in the south we had KFC, Popeye's, Bojangles (SO GOOD), Krystal, Jack Pirtle's, Captain D's, Long John Silver's - come to think of it - A LOT of fried chicken places (I'm not saying ALL black people love fried chicken, but stereotypes are rooted in selective data) but I digress. What makes Church's stick out in my mind was the unfortunate fate of a criminal.

Yes, a criminal decided to rob a local Church's Chicken. He broke into the store through the air duct, and waited in the vents of the place until everyone had left. While trying to get out of the vents, he slipped and fell into one of the vats of oil that they use to fry the chicken - still boiling hot from that day's batch, and he fried himself from the waist down. They found him the next morning - though he was able to pull himself from the oil, he didn't survive.

For years, there was a joke in Memphis about Church's Chicken. "Yes, I'd like a 2-piece, a biscuit, and a side of toes."

Crime doesn't pay. Fail.



ROY ROGERS
Speaking of black people and fried chicken . . .
There is a fast food place on the East Coast called Roy Rogers, named after the late, great singing cowboy. They sell burgers and fries, but they speciailize in fried chicken.

While visiting a location in Washington, D.C. once, I was minding my business - eating my lunch. A man walked into the store and was just looking around. He went to the counter to order, but didn't order. He then took a step back and shouted to the entire establishment, "You're all niggers! Just a bunch of niggers!"

We're going to pause here for a brief service announcement.

PSA: If you are a white male or female, surrounded by nothing but young, strong, and possibly stressed-out-working-at-a-fast-food-joint African-Americans AND young, strong, just-waiting-for-some-justice African-American patrons, you probably should NOT scream at them and call them the n-word. Just saying. We now return you to your previously scheduled Adventure of Funkyman.

The restaurant froze. No one knew what to do. I honestly thought this man was crazy, because who would do such a thing? However, crazy or not, I feared for his safety. I was also surprised there was nothing but silence. I broke the silence.

"There are no niggers in here."

The man looked at me and left the building. That was the day I learned to speak out.

Yes, CRAZY stuff happens in this world. It's crazy that I haven't had a piece of fried chicken since July of 2007, ever since I began this lifestyle change. However, every once in a while, I do get the craving for some good, old-fashioned cajun, spicy, buttermilk fried toes. 20-piece with BBQ and Sweet & Sour.

- Funkyman

Open Letter to Occupy Movement

This video is for anyone participating in the Occupy Movement across the world and for those who need further perspective. There is no one leader, no singular message, no singular solution. However, even though there can never be Utopia as long as imperfect humans are involved, we can certainly do better to address how we settle for the inhumanity surrounding modern economics. Just keep it positive! The world is under water and you are making bubbles. Whatever bubbles, bubbles up!

- Funkyman

Not So Friendly

Hello Funkizens,

Long-time family restaurant chain, Friendly's, announces that it's filing for bankruptcy. You know Friendly's . . . home of:

- The subtly inappropriately-titled "Happy Ending" Sundae
- The diabetes/hyperactivity inducing Reese's Peanut Butter Sundae (so good!)
- Bacon Cheeseburgers with butter-topped grilled bread with tons of fries (love it!)
- (and my all-time favorite) THE FRIBBLE!

I used to go to Friendly's JUST to get a chocolate Fribble - probably the best shake I ever had. Unfortunately my memory of the Fribble is tainted by my very last visit to a Friendly's restaurant. As a matter of fact, over the years, I had so much HORRIBLE service at various locations of this chain, that the name "Friendly's" became the ultimate irony. Here are the tales of my worst restaurant experiences, which happen to all take place at Friendly's.


FRIBBLE, PLEASE?
As I stated earlier, I was a big fan of chocolate milkshakes - and who isn't? They're huge and they taste awesome. What's wrong with that? Well I'll tell you.

My last visit to a Friendly's was years ago, when I was in between gigs and stopped in for some lunch. Friendly's can be busy during the lunch hour - understandable. I placed my order - Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Diet Coke, and . . . you guessed it. Not complicated, right?

Waiter comes back with some water.

"Thanks!"

Waiter comes back again with my soda.

"Thanks! Could I also have the Fribble now?" It was my wish to have the shake first. He said no problem.

Waiter comes for the 3rd time with the Chicken Sandwich.

"Thanks! Still waiting for that Fribble, when you get a chance." He said no problem.

Waiter comes back to refill my soda.

"Thanks!"

Now at this point, any normal person would get upset or begin to wonder if something was wrong. I'm assuming that he forgot the Fribble, and by the time my meal ended, it was just too late. Next thing I know, he slaps the bill on the table and . . .

HE CHARGED ME FOR THE FRIBBLE!!!!!! WHAT???!!!!!! DUDE, COME ON!!!!!

I had been so patient, and honestly I was finally upset. I asked the waiter about the charge, and he said "Oh, right, sorry." That was the first, last, and only time I failed to leave a tip for a waiter. Doesn't matter anyway - I paid for the Fribble. Never been back since.


I LIKE MY CHICKEN RARE
Now you're saying, "Funkyman, that was an honest mistake. He was overwhelmed and they have a difficult job." True, but remember, that was my last horrible experience - certainly not the only reason I stopped going.

Some people like their steaks well done. Some like them medium (me), and some even take it rare (ew!). But how about chicken? I think it's safe to say most people like (actually need) their chicken to be cooked all the way through. This is not difficult and doesn't take much time. Right?

I ordered a Grilled Chicken Sandwich from Friendly's once, and the sandwich hit the table looking DELICIOUS! However, as I cut the sandwich in half (That's how I like it - thank goodness), I quickly learned that the seared, grilled chicken breast was only so on the surface. The inside, was 100% uncooked. Raw. Translucent pink.

OK, you say. It happens. Right? So we send the sandwich back, and you would think they would either throw that chicken back on the grill and let it finish cooking OR provide us with a new one. But no, that's too easy.

THEY SENT THE SAME UNCOOKED CHICKEN BACK TO US. Did they think we wouldn't notice? Did they think we were just whining? Did they even care? Needless to say, we sent it back this time and did not pay for that item.


THE LAST SHALL BE FIRST
Of course, I saved the best for last. My wife and I used to frequent restaurants 4 to 5 times a week. We ate out a lot, and we had seen a lot of things, great and not-so-great. There is nothing that we championed more than good waiters/waitresses. When they help you feel important, they make the experience so much greater. I'm a huge tipper (sorry Fribble man!). Of course, this is Friendly's, and we never expect awesome service - we just want to get in and get out alive.

One night, we walked into a Friendly's and saw only two people sitting at a table eating. In fact, there was only one waitress and one cook. You would think we would be seated immediately. However, the waitress continued to serve the seated couple, and we stood patiently waiting to be seated. Another couple came in behind us. The four of us waited paitently. A third couple came in, and then there were six.

Finally, (5 minutes later - I counted) the waitress came to seat us and give us our menus. She then seated the 2nd new couple. She then seated the 3rd new couple. We then observed as the waitress began to take the order of the 3rd couple first. She then took the order of the 2nd couple. She then, . . . walked right by us.

Now, my sensitivity meter was starting to rise, and my wife and I looked at each other as if to say, "Did that just happen?" The waitress seemed to be running around taking care of the orders of the other 3 seated couples, and finally, my wife called her over.

"Is it the policy of this restaurant to serve the last customers first and the first customers last?"

The waitress looked at my wife . . . TOSSED AWAY THE MENU SHE WAS HOLDING LIKE A FRISBEE! ACROSS THE DINING ROOM . . . put her hands on her hips and said, "FINE! What do you want?"


We're going to pause here for a brief service announcement.

PSA: If you cherish your life, do NOT get an attitude with a black woman who is ALREADY upset. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Adventure of Funkyman.


Yes, I've never seen anything like it before. I really need you to imagine someone throwing an entire menu across a room where people are eating and copping an attitude like "how dare you not see how much I don't want to be here today." This is where my wife made her famous statement:

"You do not exist anymore. I need the manager."

The waitress calmed down a little and tried to say something extra.

"I am not talking to you. You do not exist."

My wife was MAD. The waitress left. The cook/manager came over and apologized for the bad service, took our order, and then the waitress came back again and gave an apology that was clearly forced, and my wife never even looked her way. Heck I was scared too. In fact, she then turned to me . . .

Funkywife: "And you . . . why didn't you say something?"

Funkyman: "Me? Hey I'm on your team! Besides you were handling it fine. It didn't seem like you needed help."

Funkywife: "That's not the point. You could have said something too."

Funkyman: "Wait, it sounds like you're blaming me for believing in you to handle the situation."

Funkywife: "You don't exist anymore."


And with that, I'll end this adventure, since as my wife made very clear all those years ago, I am a figment of your imagination. OK, the story is true though maybe she didn't say I don't exist. Just kidding. Love you, Fadie! :-)

I still want my Fribble, though.

- Funkyman

Makeover

Hey Funktions,

TAOF website has a new look. Let me know if you hate it. And shoot me a comment or an e-mail if there's a topic you would like me to cover. If not, I have plenty - don't worry. One day of life is filled with more things than there are to talk about. Until next time, stay . . .

- Funky, man

Proud

Hello Funktrolites,

They say that every family has "that" uncle or "that" brother that is the black sheep of the family. The wayward one who got a little off the path in life and needs extra sympathy and forgiveness from the rest of us.

You: Funkyman, do you have a brother or an uncle like that?

Funkyman: No, I'm proud to say that I only have one uncle and he's amazing. My brothers are cool too. Guess our family doesn't apply. WINNING!

You: Well they also say that if you can't identify who "that" person is in your family, it's you.

Funkyman: HEY!!! . . . well maybe it is me, but I digress.

Today, I'm going to be able to help celebrate my uncle, Robert Freeman, whose painting Black Tie (pictured above) has just become part of the permanent collection at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. Yes, like Ron Burgundy, that's kind of a big deal.

To me, my uncle has always been a big deal.

- He's my only uncle - but even if he weren't, I wouldn't be able to compare him to anyone else.
- He loves people, and people love him.
- His spirit is infectious and inspiring.
- His art is transformative and moving.
- He has been a role model for me as a teacher and an artist.

And there have been other parallels in our lives as well. My uncle went to BU. I went to BU. My uncle lived in Weston and taught at an independent school for 25 years (Nobles & Grenough). I live in Wellesley and have taught at independent schools for 15 years. He worked as a Lecturer at Harvard University. I am a Lecturer at Tufts Unviersity. He has a wife (Aunt Bettye! Woo hoo!) and three daughters (Eva, Nina, and Leah). I have a wife and one daughter. He's had a successful career as an artist, has traveled the world, and now has a painting in the MFA. I . . . play piano sometimes . . . and I like Pictionary. Whatever, don't judge me.

But the greatest gift he has given me is love. As I type this entry, I am overcome with gratitude for how I've been allowed to experience love and family in my life. My uncle is beloved by his family, his friends, and by countless students that have had the benefit to be in one of his classes. In a life where I'm constantly trying to figure out what I want to be, I've often looked to his to see how he succeeded.

No, like the rest of us, he's not a perfect man. However, what he's done right . . . is so right.

Congratulations, Uncle Robbie!

- Funkynephew

P.S. - Hope you all like the new look of TAOF!!! I'm still working on it. Also, don't forget to go to iTunes and download "It's Time" - new song by Funkyman and Maddie Naylor - Dana Hall Class of 2012! Here's the link. Check it out!

Phrase Fail

In the English language, like any other, there are some words that have several meanings, and some phrases that can be interpreted different ways. However, what amuses me are the phrases that mean the exact opposite of what we intend. I call them PHRASE FAILS. Let me give you some examples.

EXCUSE ME?
"Excuse me" is supposed to be a request to be pardoned, but the way it bugs me is when people use it to respond to something offensive being said. Yes, I understand that people use "Excuse Me?" to ask for forgiveness because they couldn't have possibly heard the offensive comment just stated. "I'm sorry, I must have heard you incorrectly." However, people use that phrase over and over again even after it has clearly been confirmed that indeed, yes, an offensive comment was made.

Offensive Person: "You're fat."

FAIL Response: "Excuuuse me?"

OP: "I said you're fat, and you're ugly."

FR: "EXCUUUUSEEEE MEEEEE??"

OP: "Listen to me, not only are you fat and ugly, but I don't like you."

FR: "EXXCCCCUUUUUUSSEEE MEEEEEEE??????"

You get my point.


I DON'T MEAN ANY DISRESPECT, BUT . . .
Or, the ever popular variation - "I don't mean to be rude, but . . . " Whenever someone starts a sentence with this phrase, you are guaranteed to hear something not only disrespectful, but something a person KNOWS is disrespectful but figures that phrase will lighten the blow. My next PHRASE FAIL will highlight that . . .



I'M NOT RACIST, BUT . . .
When I was in high school, I had my first job working in engineering services at a hospital. I was assigned random jobs, but I shared an office space with two building/structure engineers. They were nice guys, and we got along well. One day they got so comfortable that there was a slip of the tongue discussing someone who led the labor union. "I can't stand that nigger." I didn't have to say anything as he fumbled on. "Oh, sorry David. I don't mean any disrespect. I'm not racist, but that guy is a nigger."

Hey a two-for-one PHRASE FAIL! BACK TO BACK!!!

The people who brought us this PHRASE FAIL also brought us, "I'm not homophobic, but . . .", "I'm not sexist, but . . .", and "I'm all for freedom of religion, but . . ." You are guaranteed that in most cases, whatever follows those phrases will represent the very thing they claim not to be.


IT IS WHAT IT IS
I'll pause for a moment while I prepare to comment.


OK, ready.


WHAT DOES THIS PHRASE MEAN?????!!!!!! Black is black. Good is good. Up is up. Left is left. Earth is Earth. It is what it is? I hear this phrase used so much as a way to END conversations, but it never EXPLAINS anything. If you have light to shed on this, please feel free to comment. I myself don't understand, but hey, it is what it is. Doh!



IT'S ALL GOOD
Who invented this phrase? What in this world is ALL GOOD? And don't say God, because He's not an "It" so they're not referring to Him. People use this phrase usually to describe situations that are NOT all good.

"Yeah, I did some stupid stuff, hung out with the wrong crowd, ended up getting arrested a few times, got incarcerated and serving a 7-year term for Grand Larceny and I can't see my kids without court supervision - but IT'S ALL GOOD!"

Huh? Look, I understand the human need to rationalize and to be positive about your outlook on life. But the only way to turn from a negative situation is to acknowledge it for being a negative situation. That does not make it good. It means moving forward despite something negative happening to you, which is good. Make sure you are referring to your current state of mind, NOT the events of your past. The saying is "All things are WORKING for your good . . ." not "All things are good."

And with that, study hall is over, and thus so is this rant. Click and enjoy my tribute below to a man who used words very well, and inspired little David Coleman to grow up one day to become . . .

- Funkyman

What is "Black"?

Hello Funkians,

I know that the issue of race is something that I touch on at least a few times a year, but that's because there is so little CONVERSATION about it. There is a lot of commenting made about it - Funkyman included. However, the cool thing about a blog is that you can leave comments and have a dialogue or the writing can spark an actual conversation with a live person. Therefore, submitted for your approval . . .

What is Black?

Last night, Miss Universe 2011 was crowned, and as you can see in the picture, this woman is not someone anyone would consider to be Caucasian. She is what we would today consider to be a "person of color" which is the politically correct way of saying "not Caucasian." She is from the country of Angola, speaks Portuguese, and may have never even visited America. While I noted to myself that someone won the competition that doesn't fall into the usual stereotype, I am surprised to read the online discussion surrounding her "race." Here are the three things I read that disturb me.

1. Some stories report the victory and highlight that Miss Universe crowns a black woman
2. Some haters think she won just because she was black
3. Some people are responding vehemently - "She's not black!"



This is where I pause. I will try not to scream.



OK, I'm ready.



To the reporters:

So the Black Miss Universe? This woman won because she WON. While it may be important to some (me included) to mark certain occasions as milestones in racial equality (Vanessa Williams won Miss America 27 years ago - let's keep it moving), WHY CAN'T SHE JUST BE THE BEST CONTESTANT? This does not have to be a part of the newstory. Anyone with eyes can see who won. If you make her race a part of the story, you help push the conversation along for the haters who play a race-game and say "she won because she was black" or "affirmative action at work". I know the intention of the reports is "She won! And she's black! Yay!" But in a way, you diminish her victory by unintentionally implying that race had anything to do with it.


To the haters:

So you think she won BECAUSE she's black? First of all, after hundreds of years of slavery, oppression, and an ongoing war against prejudice, black people are not HANDED any victory. They fight for it. Sure, there are people who voted for Obama out of guilt and sympathy for the history of racism in this country, but to boldly state that he won the whole election because of this is too ludicrous to blog about. When Denzel Washington and Halle Berry won Academy Awards, people accused the voters of affirmative action. If that's not the biggest disgrace in the history of life.

HEY WORLD - DO ME A FAVOR - when I win an award - any award - please let me enjoy it and feel proud of my achievement and the recognition from my colleagues and peers. How dare you tarnish my moment with remarks about people feeling sorry for me because of my race. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! This woman won Miss Universe and not 1 hour later, here come the haters.


To the ethnicity police:

So, she's not "black"? Clearly these commenters are referring to the idea that being considered "BLACK" is based not on what you look like but rather where you come from or what culture you celebrate. While we should not judge anyone based on what they look like, I believe it is safe to say that this woman could be considered as having Native African heritage somewhere in her lineage - which by the way is the definition of someone being considered "black."

People of Native African descent have darker skin than most. We are spread out in every country, and speak every language. We are in the Carribean, in South America, in Latin America, in Europe, and in other parts of Asia. And yes, we're in America - though that's where people seem to make the distinction about being "black." It seems there is an urban definition of "black" as being synonomous with "African-American" - a widely used though controversial label.

I've heard friends say "I'm not black, I'm Jamaican."

Um . . . that's all great, but if you lived in America in the early 19th century, you would be in chains and called "Toby."

"I'm not black, I'm Cape Verdian."

Right . . . but if you tried to get a drink of water in 1930, you would do so from the "Coloreds Only" water fountain.

"I'm not black, I'm Nigerian."

That's awesome, but when the police raid Mission Hill looking for men that match a "certain" description (Charles Stuart) - you'll be picked up along with your "black" neighbors.

And THAT to me, is what defines "black people" - people of Native African descent who were mistreated even beyond slavery because of the color of their skin, not because they were from a certain region of the world. Of course I'm raising a larger issue that no one - including dark-skinned people of every kind - wants to be lumped in with us "African-Americans." We just can't catch a break! But that's for another day.

For today, Congratulations to you Leila Lopes of Angola - Miss Universe 2011. If someone tries to add or remove anything from this based on race, simply reply how I did when people trying to figure out my ethnicity used to ask me - "Hey David - what ARE you?"

I'm a person. Treat me like one.

- Funkyman